1. The good die young - because they see it's no use living if you’ve got to be good.

2. Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.

3. Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol.

4. A pessimist is someone who's never disappointed.

5. Never trust a man without vices...

6. Why read a novel when you can read a newspaper.

7. Flee, but while fleeing pick up a weapon.

8. Rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read.

9. The universe is not only stranger than we think, but stranger than we can imagine.

10. Economists are people who work with numbers but don't have the personality to be accountants.

11. Life's too short for chess.

12. Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

13. Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol.

14. If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn't be a human being, you'd be a game-show host.

15. The two most abundant things in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.

16. A little rebellion now and then is a good thing.

17. Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right.

18. Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have the time.

19. Mary had a little lamb and the doctor fainted.

20. Golf is a good walk spoiled.

21. History is a set of lies agreed upon.

22. Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

23. A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

24. Don't look back - something might be gaining on you.

25. Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow.

26. Work is a four-letter word.

27. Experience is no substitute for a good book.

28. Life is far too serious to be taken seriously.

29. Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

30. A person usually has two reasons for doing something: a good reason and the real reason.

31. The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

32. Whilst one can choose one's friends, one cannot, alas, choose one's family.

33. The two most abundant things in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.

34. Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

35. Hell is a city much like London, a populous and smokey city.

36. The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange protein - it rejects it.

37. X-rated movies are all alike... the only thing they leave to the imagination is the plot.

38. When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

39. The only certainty in life is death.

40. The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.

41. Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.

42. Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.

43. No sane man will dance.

44. Health food makes me sick.

45. Beware of the man who has no enemies.

46. Economics, the dismal science.

47. Government doesn't work.

48. Cheer up, things can only get worse.

49. There's nothing wrong with having nothing to say - unless you insist on saying it.

50. Sometimes the devil is a gentleman.

51. Jealousy is the only vice that gives no pleasure.

52. A man who wears socks to bed obviously has something to hide.

53. Any nitwit can understand computers, and many do.

54. Life's a death sentence, baby.

55. He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news.

56. Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

57. Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.